Kingdom Hearts Funnies
by Hasvajhi
Summary: A growing collection of funny little oneshots in the universe of Kingdom Hearts. Rated T for some rather risqué humor.
1. Mansex

This is the first part of our little collection of funnies! It's about Xemnas and his name's unfortunate letters.

Please R&R!

DISCLAIMER: I do not happen to own Kingdom Hearts.

* * *

Xemnas knew the day wasn't going to turn out as he had planned. Does it ever? As he passed the Memory Skyscraper, he saw his name spraypainted along the back. What _really_ ticked him off was that someone had crossed it off and wrote "Mansex" beneath it. Of course, he decided to punish the transgressor when he got back to base, but that proved to be far more difficult than he had planned.

"How did your mission go, Luxord?"

"Done, over with, and finished, Mansex – I mean, Xemnas."

"Have the thrones in Where Nothing Gathers been polished to perfection, Roxas?"

"They sure have, Mans – damnit! I mean, Superior, sir!"

"Hey, Mansex! Had any good ones recently? I'd suggest Lexaus – he's nice and burly!"

"Axel, I am going to rip your head off and give it to Larxene for her collection!"

Finally, Xemnas managed to reach the safety of the room of his most trusted subordinate, Saix, who happened to be polishing his claymore.

"I have arrived! I am _so_ _tired_ of having random members shout out 'Mansex' whenever I pass them by in the halls."

"Oh, it's not so bad after you get used to it."

"Thank you for… wait, what?"

"Here, let me show you…"

Before Xemnas could escape, Saix closed the door.

* * *

Where Nothing Gathers is that room where all the Organization members sit on thrones. Just so ya know.


	2. Theme Song

A: Alright, number 2!

* * *

"Excuse me, Superior sir?"

"Yes, Demyx."

"Well, the Castle can get pretty quiet… way too quiet…"

"Yes, Demyx."

"Well, I think the Organization needs a theme song!"

"Yes, Demyx… wait, could you repeat that?"

Xemnas looked up from his game of computer solitaire, but it was too late. Demyx had already bounded off to cause chaos throughout the World That Never Was.

* * *

Vexen had almost finished his experiment – if he completed it, he could finally oust that cocky Saix from the position of Xemnas's Favorite. All that was left to do was ingesting the alchemical liquid itself, the holy grail of his month upon month of meticulous research, testing, and innovation. Slowly, he lifted the vial that held his magical substance to his lips…

"_ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, GO! ORG THIRTEEN!!"_

Vexen spewed his liquid onto the wall, forming an interesting pattern resembling a Chinese dragon fighting a Neoshadow Heartless to the death, as Demyx began to sing a butchered version of the Teen Titans theme song with the help of a Mountain Dew-ed up Roxas. They had ruined his precious experiment! They had thrown weeks and weeks of work down the hypothetical drain! He slowly turned around to face the young trespassers, picking up his scalpel as he did so.

"Oh, I'll carve thirteen organs out of each of you, all right…" Vexen said, brandishing his weapon above his head. The pair didn't hear the threat, but they did see the sharp instrument in his hands.

They vacated the premises immediately.

* * *

Inner peace.

Inner peace.

Lexaeus breathed in.

Lexaeus breathed out.

Inner peace.

Inner pea–

"_ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, GO! ORG THIRTEEN!!"_

Lexaeus's inner peace was irrevocably shattered when Demyx and Roxas, now accompanied by Axel, shouted their new theme song at him all the way across the Altar of Naught. Forgetting to portal in the heat of things, Lexaeus instead dashed towards the edge.

_Mustescapemustescapemustescapeblaringsoundmustescape._

He swan-dived off the castle into the city.

Axel, Demyx, and Roxas hi-fived each other as they portalled out.

* * *

"Alright, guys," stated Demyx, readying his sitar, "let's get ready to rock Saix's socks off! On three!"

They kicked open the door to his room, but when they saw what he was doing within, they stopped cold.

"Oh my god…" whispered Roxas.

Axel screamed.

The trio fled as fast as their legs could take them.

* * *

"Take that, Captain Hook! Let us see how you like it when I light your trousers on fire!"

The door creaked open.

Xemnas hit the pause button and dived at his television, turning it off before the others could see it.

"Umm… Superior? Where you just playing the first Kingdom Hearts? I mean, it doesn't even have any Nobodies in it!"

"I wasn't playing Kingdom Hearts! Next question!" Xemnas barked.

"Ooookay."

Confident that his secret was safe, Number I lightened up a bit. "Seriously, why are you three in my room?"

"Demyx and Roxas ruined my experiment with their annoying little 'theme song'!" Vexen fumed. "If you would just let me get my hands on them…" Vexen continued to plot diabolical ends for the two transgressors. After a short while, Xemnas turned to Lexaeus.

"And you?"

"They startled me while I was meditating. I jumped off."

"What happened to portalling?"

"I did remember to portal. Half way down. Into a wall."

Lexaeus held up his arms, both of which were in casts.

"Ah."

Finally, Xemnas turned to Saix.

"What did they do to _you_?"

"Well, they…"

Saix leaned over and whispered into his ear. Xemnas's eyes grew large.

"Wow. No _wonder_ you're angry!"

At this point, Vexen finally reached the end of his plotting and began to laugh maniacally.

"HAHAHA!! THEY WILL SUFFER! OH, THEY SHALL _SUFFER_!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

The other three ignored him. He did this a lot.

At last, Xemnas stepped back, looking at each of them in turn.

"Before I make a judgment, I will have to see it with my own eyes. Bring them in!"

* * *

"_ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, GO! ORG THIRTEEN!!"_

The three ended their song with one final ear-rending chorus. The rest of the Organization, curious about what could have caused such a racket, had gathered around to watch the car crash of sound. Xemnas sat on his throne, considering what he should do. Finally, he came across the perfect answer.

"I quite like it. It shall be our new theme song!"

Demyx, Roxas, and Axel cheered and hi-fived each other, as the rest of the Nobodies realized the true depth of their leader's sadism.

* * *

A: B has been bugging me about it, so I'll admit it. I was partially inspired by (stole some ideas from) Organization Nonsense, a story by parkingLOTinTHEidiot that highly suggest. Uhh... parkingLOT? Put down that bat. Please? No, stop, don't swing it at— AAAAAAAAAAAAAA (splork) aaaaaaaaaaaa (squish).

B: Told ya not to :P.

Please Read & Review!


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